is it God speaking or my own desire...

Lately i have been feeling so many different emotions, goals, attitudes and desires about life and its almost starting to become to chaotic in my head!  Ok-now that i made myself sound totally insane...

But have you ever sat back and wondered if the things weighing on your heart are there because God has put them there or because they are some of your own selfish desires.  Thats been a struggle for me lately, trying to find the balance and the answers. 

There has been a particular situation that i have been tossing back and forth in my head and it seems like everytime i near the end of my personal battle i hear the voice, you know, that Voice....and it keeps telling me "invite them to church" but the opportunity hasnt presented itself since i felt the confidence that its what im supposed to do.  or has it?  I've invited my brother and his girlfriend to join us for easter,  and one of them may actually be commiting. but that was an opportunity that was presented to me without prior meditation... so am i hearing the right answers but placing it on the wrong situations?  i have no idea.

life is so confusing sometimes.

you build relationships, sometimes they last forever, sometimes they hit a bump and break apart - when you're lucky they find their way back together - but that isnt always the case.  somestimes when they find their way back they feel so battered and bruised that it almost doesnt seem worth the effort, but how do you know?  God puts people in our lives for certain purposes.  We are all intended to leave our footprints somewhere, how do you know when enough is enough?  How do you know when its really worth saving?  How do you know whats true? 

I believe we feel it in our hearts...or we see it in a dream. someway, God shows us whats right.

we all know the people in our lives that we just couldnt live without, then there are the ones we would just prefer not to live without and there are even the ones that we grow up thinking it wont ever be a choice...sometimes we are faced with that choice and it is not an easy decision to make, be it friend or family, letting go is the hardest thing ever, especially if you feel pretty certain that this time it will be forever. 

I've faced that forever decision.  too much hurt, too much pain, too many precious hearts involved.  i've let go. but i've let go knowing that the door to my heart will never be locked, it will always just depend on how, when and if the one i've lost ever tries to return. 

I've also hit the bumps...some bigger than others.  and i will say, the bigger the bump the longer it takes to put the pieces back together. there are times when some of the pieces get lost, stuck in a ditch...but i can only pray that i find them all and find my way back.  to find the road of truth and heartfelt honesty is essential.  but its an uphill climb and its not an easy one. 

So i ask, God show me the way...the way of my life as you desire it to be.  I will trust in you now as i trusted in you then.  There was purpose in my finding my relationship with you Lord, there was something very true, very strong and very life-lasting...in time, i know you will show me what i need to see. amen.

stay tuned, the best is yet to come...  :)

I'm Only Human...

Do you ever have one of those days when you just can't shake the negative attitude?  No matter which direction you try to divert your thoughts, you still end up in some place thats lower than you prefer...like the world is ganging up on you, everything is falling on your plate at once and you just can't keep up?  Please say you know what i'm feeling!!

I'm having one of those days.

its been a long couple of weeks, i have been working A LOT!  im worn out, stretched thin, but the demands just wont stop.  the laundry is still building up, the toys still need to be put away, the kids still need dinner, baths, bedtime stories and plain old "mommy time", the husband still likes that i wait up for him at night - for nothing more than a glimpse of me as i walk up the stairs mumbling something like "i love you too, good night, im going to bed", the bills still need to get paid and somewhere in the midst of all that i try to catch half a second for myself. 

well the truth is, im tired...and today i want to let it all out...i want to cry, i want to scream, i want to be mad at someone, i want to quit my jobs and just give up.

But i wont - not because i cant (although thats part of the reason) but because i know it wont make a difference in the end.  all the demands will still be waiting for me when im done with my little hissy-fit - so why waste the time?

so i sit here working, when i'd rather be sleeping.  ill make my boys dinner, when i would rather make popcorn...ill cuddle them on the couch tonight and try my best not to fall asleep.  ill read them a story through my yawns and ill be sure to tell them with the most heartfelt sincerety that they truly are the biggest blessings in my life and that i love them more than life itself.  then ill sit back down at this desk and work a little more, as my only successful effort at staying awake until Frank gets home.  ill tell him i love him and i missed him and im tired - but maybe tonight can be the night that i enjoy a few minutes of his company...maybe tonight we can get lost in conversation - because it has been so long since we have talked about anything other than the daily grind.

i'm having a terrible, awful, very bad, no good kind of day - but i am blessed and deep down i love my life - there is nothing else i would rather do - so maybe tonight can be different.  maybe today after my boys wake from their nap i can put all other demands aside and just be their mom - so they can feel through my actions that i love them as much as my words tell them i do.

life is what you make of it and today i want it to be a good one.

someday soon i plan to take a quiet afternoon to myself, with God, to just listen to all the things i feel him calling me to do.  His "demands" have seemed the strongest lately, but the noise in my head is to loud to hear what he is really saying and my own interprations just arent working!!

God is good and with him life is amazing...the best is yet to come :)

the lashes of my life...

as much as it drives me insane that i still have to seperate the twins at nap time...i cant say that every aspect of it is all that bad.  i know at some point they are all going to be way to big to fall asleep in my lap and its that thought that helps me charish the moment.  its that thought that helps me let go of the irritation.

the sweet smell of their breath, the way their little limbs twitch while they are falling into a deep sleep and the way their bodies go completely limp in my arms when they reach that place of slumber that we could all only wish for in the middle of the day!  its precious...the trust they have in me and the love we share is something i hope will last a lifetime.

my precious matteo...

but dont worry...its not always this calm and peaceful in our house...this was only after Matteo peed all over the TV stand in the family room because i thought i could trust him without a diaper on for 2 minutes.  and then right after i laid matteo in his bed and got the cutest ever smile from Vincenzo...i had to go into tuscans room and yell at him for climbing on his dresser drawer and shredding the cover off one of his brand new books...i mean seriously - he is going to be 4...he sooooo knows better! 

so sometimes im fortunate enough to enjoy a few moments of peace while my babes are falling asleep, othertimes my blood pressure reached its max and someone gets yelled at and cries themselves to sleep! 

ahhh...its all in a days work!

the best is yet to come...  :)

its time...

i have been feeling so antsy lately, like i need to do something BIG!  and i have been trying...

~ i've highlighted my hair and decided to grow it out a bit - but that doesnt seem just right.

~ i've been working from home more, making more money to pour into our debts, that feels nice, but just isn't doing the trick.

~ frank and i are taking the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace class, its changing our lives and we have never been so blessed and while its been an extreme and positive change it still isnt what im itching for right now!

~ i've started the spring cleaning - productive for sure, but still not what i'm craving.

~ i've started working out on a semi daily basis - love it, jillian michael's kicks my butt, but of course the results are not seen as fast as you can feel your muscles hurting

~ i completed a 35+ page scrapbooking project!  loved every second of that!!

But, im still left feeling discontent - other than truly believing that i am just ready for SPRING!!  i want to be outside.  i want to know that my final credit card is paid off so in the afternoons i can be outside playing with my boys, knowing i was able to get all my housework done while they were napping, because i wasnt stuck at my desk, slaving away to make more money!  i know that day is nearing - i can feel it right around the corner, but instead of the knowing bringing me peace, its making me more anxious!  i just want it NOW!!  enough with the cold weather, enough with the slippers and hot cups of tea...enough with the movie nights.

Lets go outside and blow bubbles and take a walk and get our shoes muddy!! Lets dig in the dirt and watch the spring flowers peek up out of the ground.  I want to rake the lawn and spread the mulch...i cant wait to plant our vegetable garden!! 

This spring is going to be a time of change for me. the start to a simpler life, taking the time to enjoy the most precious things - my boys...i want to know them better than i ever have, i want to play with them, to laugh with them. they are reaching that age that they will soon do things that they will remember for a lifetime.  some of my earliest memories were from when i was about 3 and i want to make sure that my boys have some pretty great ones of doing nothing more than simply enjoying our life!

Our door is open everyday to anyone who might be interested in joining us!  the more the merrier, always!

stay tuned...the best is yet to come!

With God by my side...

all things truly are possible!!

even frosting 4 batches of christmas cutouts with 3 little boys!!  i have been putting it off all week, but with the cookie bake off creeping up next weekend, i knew i had to get these cookies frosted!  and i am so glad i did.  what i thought might turn into something dreadful, actually ended up being a lot of fun.  the boys never faught over who's turn it was to help with the sprinkles, no one tried to steal any cookies, no one fell off the kitchen chairs and the house and kids were actually pretty 'mess free' when we were done!  i was impressed!

tuscan is such a great helper in the kitchen, in all aspects!  frank is already teaching him many of the ins and outs... tuscan told me one day that he is going to be frank's sous chef!

  * for more pictures, check out my facebok page, there is a whole album of them!!

the magic...

i dont know that i could ever pin point exactly what it is about the holidays, but there is something that makes this early portion of the winter season so magical and i love it!  whether it be the smell of fresh baked cookies, the twinkle of the christmas lights, the kids rosey cheeks...or it could be the prospect of misletoe around the next corner, toasting warm eggnog with your love and the warmth of fleece blankets.  its all so magical!  and when the snow starts falling (unlike here) it makes it all ten times better!  what would christmas be without snow, i have always wondered?  i have never envied those that live down south during the month of december...by early february, yes, but never this time of year!  the sparkle of the snow only adds to the magic.  the excitement on the kids faces that first morning with a fresh coat covering the front lawn...priceless!  but whats even more priceless is getting that first 5 inches of the year, followed by a 45 degree day and pulling in your driveway to be greeted by....

FROSTY!!

maybe if our snowman can find 'magic in that old bills cap they found' we could lend it to our home team next year and maybe find ourselves in a winning season! but i wont hold my breath, because poor Frosty only lasted one day before he turned into a puddle and two branches on the driveway!

just thought i'd share...these are the fun things Frank does with the boys while i'm at work!  its so good for them that they at least have one fun parent!  although, they did "help" make the cutout dough with me tonight for bakefest 2009 at our parents house tomorrow - on the menu this year...cinnamon chip biscotti, lemon pudding cookies, cream cheese cutouts, peanut butter cup cookies, m&m cookies, oatmeal toffee cookies, snowballs, seed cookies, peanut butter bars...just to name a few!

Wishes...

It seems as though the theme for the Christmas season in the retail world this year is "12 days of wishing" and today i have been blessed enough to say that all the things i could have wished for this year, actually came true!

Frank and I closed on our house today!!  its a process we have been pursuing since march of this year and now just in time for christmas, we are once again proud homeowners!  the whole process was so smooth - although not stress free, but it all worked out better than we could have imagined and i give all thanks to God and to those who have been praying for us along the way.  Many of you know of the snags we had been coming up against the last few months and by the grace of God, the way was paved and we have reached the new starting point!

I can't say that this is something i put much thought into from my own heart, 3 years ago when we decided to stay in the house and buy it from Beth, but today - now that we have closed on it, i am feeling something special about the idea of raising my boys in the house their dad grew up in! How awesome, really... and in all truth, this house is perfect for us!  we would have never found this perfect of a situation if we had looked elsewhere, so i believe it to be just one more confirmation that God always has a plan and although we may not understand it right from the start, we have to trust in Him and just go with it.  He knows what He is doing way better than i ever do!

i would love to try and pretend/promise that i could bring you all up to date since my last posting, or even to say that i will still go back and finish the posts from our vacation - but lets be real - i dont think i can even remember what i did last week...so i will try to become more consistant again. a new year is coming and i really would love to keep up my blog again, so that i do have something to look back at when i get to a time in my life when i have the time to remember where the years went! i make no promises, but i can say...the more that hold me accountable to daily blog postings the better your chances are to getting one!  i love a challange, but sometimes i need a reminder!

I hope each and everyone of you is enjoying the beginnings of this holiday season and i hope you are all feeling as wonderfully blessed as we are this year!  God is good and with him, life is amazing!

my preschooler!!

Not only was today our first day back to reality, but it was also tuscan's preschool orientation day! I cannot believe my baby boy is starting preschool already! its so surreal.

it was kind of sunny, but he was a good sport about me taking a few pics anyway!

we were running a few minutes behind this morning because i had to drop the twins off at Nonna Beth's office (much thanks!) but as soon as we walked into his classroom, he went right with his teacher to hang up his backpack, told her he had to go "pee pee" and i went on my way to the orientation room! when the moms were released we were all standing outside the classroom door waiting with smiles while our kids sang their farewell for the day song! it was awesome. im so proud of him!!

now to play catch up and try to get back on track...say a prayer for me!

all amazing things must come to an end...

coming soon...

Farewell, for now...(day 9)

coming soon....