most people spend their whole week looking forward to their weekend...not me! i think i have finally decided that saturday is the worst day of my week. by saturday i havent had a chance to be a "family" or spend time with frank in 4 days (since tuesday). friday nights he is supposed to get out of work early, but it never happens, unless you think 930-945pm is early, when he left the house at 1030am... usually i work on saturday morning, but to my surprise, i had today off. i can honestly say i wish i would have had to work because working at least gives me a jumpstart to the rest of my day. i may start to tucker out mid afternoon, but at least during the early half of the day i have the energy and ambition to feel accomplished. on my day off, nothing. i have no energy all day, i want to just sleep the day away.
man, i am so out of it today i feel like i am doing nothing but rambling...so for that im sorry.
i feel like i have been phasing in and out of these horrible funks lately and its sort of scaring me that they seem to be coming more and more frequently lately. i have these days when i feel so lonely and in many ways i am but in so many other ways feel horribly guilty even thinking it. i am surrounded all day by 3 little boys that love me no matter what i look like, although tuscan has expressed he prefers me with "pretty" on my eyes! but the love between a mother and child is so unconditional and i am so grateful everyday for my boys. but i feel bad for them when i get into these funks because i feel like my mood and attitude takes a toll on them. if i feel bad inside then im usually not the nicest on the outside. i try to pay attention to it and take a deep breath before anything comes out of my mouth...blah blah blah...
there have been so many times today when i have felt overwhelming sadness/lonesomeness...and then i look at my boys, or tuscan says something totally adorable like "love u too mama" or matteo crawls over just to hug me or cenzo is blowing me giant kisses and i remember i am so blessed. i may not have a lot of friends that i get to see frequently and my extended family (other than my parents) may not be around that often, but i have 3 little boys who love nothing more than spending a day with me, even if it is just another day couped up in the house in our lazy clothes...i know someday it will all be different and there might come a time when once in a while i miss the simplicity of our current life. but i do truly look forward to taking all the boys places, places as simple as target...i hope that time will be here by the end of winter. right now its just so much work to try and take them all somewhere by myself - i just dont have the energy for it or the time management to try and work it all around 3 naptime/bedtime schedules. i also look forward to the time when it is easier to ask for a babysitter and easier emotionally to leave them for something selfish like a night out with frank. that is something that he and i need to do more than just once or twice a year! i want to be a wife, not just a mom...by being a wife i am reminded of who SHANNON is and when i take a moment to rediscover who i am it makes me a better person over all.
i know that overall im a good mom, people tell me that all the time, my kids tell me that by how wonderful they are, how well behaved and loving, caring and sensitve. but i know i could be a better mom day to day on a smaller scale if i could only find the time to "get caught up" mentally, emotionally, spritually and even just around the house. but that would take a miracle...or a week with no kids, no job - just time...(and now i feel like i sound like my dad!) this is my life and as a whole i love it...i am in tears as i type...i have all the big things i could have ever dreamed of, the house, the cars, i love my job, my kids are amazing and my husband is so good to me...my life is near perfect, i just feel like im missing a lot of the small stuff...lunch with friends, taking the dog for a walk, quiet time with the kids and conversation with my husband, all these things that seem so simple, that in the past i have completely taken for granted and now desire more than ever.
anyway - my sad saturday is nearing an end, well as a mom anyway - its jammie time and hopefully everyone will sit for a book, time to build a train track and dry some tears...some just got hit with the train! aaahhhhhhhhhhh
man, i am so out of it today i feel like i am doing nothing but rambling...so for that im sorry.
i feel like i have been phasing in and out of these horrible funks lately and its sort of scaring me that they seem to be coming more and more frequently lately. i have these days when i feel so lonely and in many ways i am but in so many other ways feel horribly guilty even thinking it. i am surrounded all day by 3 little boys that love me no matter what i look like, although tuscan has expressed he prefers me with "pretty" on my eyes! but the love between a mother and child is so unconditional and i am so grateful everyday for my boys. but i feel bad for them when i get into these funks because i feel like my mood and attitude takes a toll on them. if i feel bad inside then im usually not the nicest on the outside. i try to pay attention to it and take a deep breath before anything comes out of my mouth...blah blah blah...
there have been so many times today when i have felt overwhelming sadness/lonesomeness...and then i look at my boys, or tuscan says something totally adorable like "love u too mama" or matteo crawls over just to hug me or cenzo is blowing me giant kisses and i remember i am so blessed. i may not have a lot of friends that i get to see frequently and my extended family (other than my parents) may not be around that often, but i have 3 little boys who love nothing more than spending a day with me, even if it is just another day couped up in the house in our lazy clothes...i know someday it will all be different and there might come a time when once in a while i miss the simplicity of our current life. but i do truly look forward to taking all the boys places, places as simple as target...i hope that time will be here by the end of winter. right now its just so much work to try and take them all somewhere by myself - i just dont have the energy for it or the time management to try and work it all around 3 naptime/bedtime schedules. i also look forward to the time when it is easier to ask for a babysitter and easier emotionally to leave them for something selfish like a night out with frank. that is something that he and i need to do more than just once or twice a year! i want to be a wife, not just a mom...by being a wife i am reminded of who SHANNON is and when i take a moment to rediscover who i am it makes me a better person over all.
i know that overall im a good mom, people tell me that all the time, my kids tell me that by how wonderful they are, how well behaved and loving, caring and sensitve. but i know i could be a better mom day to day on a smaller scale if i could only find the time to "get caught up" mentally, emotionally, spritually and even just around the house. but that would take a miracle...or a week with no kids, no job - just time...(and now i feel like i sound like my dad!) this is my life and as a whole i love it...i am in tears as i type...i have all the big things i could have ever dreamed of, the house, the cars, i love my job, my kids are amazing and my husband is so good to me...my life is near perfect, i just feel like im missing a lot of the small stuff...lunch with friends, taking the dog for a walk, quiet time with the kids and conversation with my husband, all these things that seem so simple, that in the past i have completely taken for granted and now desire more than ever.
anyway - my sad saturday is nearing an end, well as a mom anyway - its jammie time and hopefully everyone will sit for a book, time to build a train track and dry some tears...some just got hit with the train! aaahhhhhhhhhhh
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