could it be?

there could never be enough words to describe the joy, excitement, nervousness and anticipation that goes along with the ideas of bringing a new baby into your life.  sometimes its an experience that you get to plan, other times it may catch you by surprise, but i must say that for me the most peaceful way to experience it was when i made the decision to leave it all in the hands of God.  opening your heart to his plan is sometimes the most challenging thing you can do in your life, but ultimately it is also the most beautiful and rewarding.  it comes with a certain sense of peace, a peace that assures you that everything is where its supposed to be and thats how you have come into our lives!
the suspision started about a week ago, the thoughts that maybe it could be true...the thoughts that maybe there could be YOU!!  by wednesday morning i could no longer stand the not-knowing and i took a test.  Maybe there was a plus, maybe it was just my imagination.  i wasnt sure and i didnt want to say anything to your dad until i felt certain. 
last night i was reading some other moms stories on the internet and i knew what i had to do...this time it was perfectly clear, there was no mistakening the two blue lines that crossed each other in that little square.  it was the first real sign that you were already growing inside me!  a smile spread across my face that i couldnt control and i dropped to my knees and started thanking God for the miracle of you, asking him to protect us both, to keep us healthy and to guide me to being the greatest mother i can be to you and your 3 brothers.

my first real "could it be true" thought happened last week when i indulged in my first "i have to have it" cheeseburger from burger king - a craving i  had experienced early on with my pregnancies with your brothers! i've been getting weird bursts of energy, intensely cleaning the house, taking the puppies for "runs"...(let it be known i have never voluntarily taken a run in my life!) but  i also have been much sleepier than usual, heading up to bed long before your dad gets out of work.  which is why i wasnt able to share the news of our newest blessing with him until i got home from work today! 
he was laying on our bed when i got out of the shower, with toben...i asked him to scooch over so i could sit with them...
"Frank, i think i have decided to let my hair grow long for awhile." - me
"Oh yeah" - dad
"yeah, at least until May" - me
your dad had a small smile forming on his face at this point. 
i handed him the first pregnancy test from wednesday and said i hadnt been sure, then handed him the one from last night and said that i was definitely certain! 
"we're going to have a baby!! but you better not tell anyone until i give you the ok - you hear me??!!" - me

so here you are, a small mass of cells, no bigger than a poppyseed and already we love you more than we could ever imagine possible.  you are a miracle from God, a product of our love and a piece of the puzzle that will only make us feel more complete!  i love you baby and i am looking forward to everyday of our adventure together.  the first sound of your heartbeat, the first glimpse of you in black and white, your first tiny kick...all moments that i am preparing my heart for, knowing full well they will all bring me to tears! and i will wait for that magical moment when i get to hold you in my arms for the first time, to kiss your tiny head and feel you grasp my finger in your tiny fist!  i hope you will always know what a blessing you are and how much we love you, even from the very start!

love you millions,
mommy